Today I had a moment. A moment of anger. A rash moment where I physically felt demonic. I was thinking of you. And I got so angry. I got so angry at myself for thinking of you. I shuddered and huffed and lost control. I gained it back just in time to hold back the tears. The remembrance that I will never see you again. I have been living my life. A whole semester has gone by. It has been over six months since I left you. And I am still heart broken. I don’t wear it on my sleeve. And I have become a lot better at not talking about you and not thinking about you aloud. But you are there. You are in my mind. I wonder what you’re doing at every hour of the day. I wonder if you are happy or sad. If you are laughing or crying. If you are reading or sleeping. If you chose coffee or tea. I wonder if you are travelling or home. If you finally chose your home. I wonder about every little thing. Because all I can do is wonder. Wonder and dream about you. The man I adore. The man I love. The man who I will never see again. And it is eating me alive. Slowly. But what can I do? I can’t run from this. I can’t bury it inside me, I have tried over and over again. I have tried to focus on so many other things. But I see you everywhere I go. And it hurts. It hurts so much. I just want to talk to you. I just want to know you are OK. I want to know everything about you. And I never will. And I never can. And I won’t be able to let this go it seems. Love never leaves me. I wish it did. Other people are able to get over their loves. Maybe I love too deep. Maybe I want too much. Maybe I ask for something that does not exist. But it doesn’t change how I feel. It doesn’t change my burning desire to see you, to talk to you, to smell your musty sweaters, to look into your gorgeous eyes. And what can I do? There is nothing I can do other than hope that time will dull this feeling. That one day I will be able to hear your name and tears won’t rush to my eyes. The hardest part of love is the letting go, but what do you do if you can’t let go?
